Damn.

OK. I really have to admit, being a mother has GOT to be the most thankless job there is in the world. Here I am, 4 o'clock in the morning, having fed Baby at 2:30, and she's still awake, practicing her language skills no less. I've had a collective 6 hours of sleep in the past 36 hours, and my patience is nearing its end - and unfortunately, this is the norm as opposed to the exception during this whole maternity leave. And the end of my leave will coincide with the time when she really starts to develop - it makes me think that this country REALLY has its values completely screwed up when it comes to human development.

And somehow, I can wake up in the morning, look at Baby and marvel how cute she is; but when I'm up like this in the middle of the night, I'm ready to take the first flight in the morning out of here to Barbados. And really, just set up shop and not come back.

So this leads me to my pet peeves of motherhood that all those websites and books would have you believe - but, really, are true only on TV.

8. "Take naps when your baby takes naps." OK, let's dissect this idea. Typical feeding schedule: every 3 hours, and this takes place after the typical every 2 hour feeding that happens in the first couple of weeks of a baby's life, during which time Mom's supposedly trying to heal (right, lack of sleep does not equal proper healing). Baby takes, oh, somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes to feed. Then, typically, baby does not go to sleep immediately after feeding, and oh, there's the diaper change that takes place before feeding, which can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 15 minutes, depending on whether your baby unit decides it's time for projectile anything. So there's a max given already of 45 minutes eaten out of the 3 hour clock. Then if baby decides it doesn't want to go back to sleep after it eats, well, you can be up for upwards of an hour or more entertaining the baby and interacting with it - which actually does happen with my Baby. So, an hour and a half or more later, baby finally decides it's time for a short nap - and then, guess what, the whole process starts again. Nap, I don't even have time to gather up all those bibs she's spit up on before getting ready to feed her again, much less take time out to nap!

7. "Just let others take care of chores around the house." Right. Hubby works during the day, comes home around 8, tired and hungry. I usually have dinner somewhat ready by the time he gets home, we eat, watch some TV, set Baby to bed, and then we, exhausted, also go to bed. So we're supposed to just let the plates pile up in the sink, the laundry fester, mail go unanswered and unorganized, and the piling method take over the house? This "let others take care of stuff" can actually happen if we lived in the society we used to live in, where we have a collective community that can help take care of things, not in the typical American household. Or, unless, of course, if you have hoards of money to spend on hired help - and that's assuming you also have hoards of money to pay for things like mortgages, groceries, and day care. This idea piles right in with the nap idea - it's great only if you HAVE the help around the house. Otherwise, the chores still fall on you. Oh, and try fixing dinner with screaming baby in hand.

6. "Get back into shape by taking baby out on walks." There are days when I am not even able to set foot out the door because Baby has gone fussy. I've lost weight by eating breakfast at 2, having another snack (AKA, lunch) at 4, and running up and down our stairs getting this that and the other thing and doing the chores around the house to keep it in some semblance of order. Walks, we do take them every so often, but it's not something I can plan on a regular basis.

5. "The way to take care of your baby is X, Y, and Z." There's a reason there are so many baby books out there. No one knows how exactly to take care of a baby but the parents. Everyone's got a theory, not one book has all the answers, and there's a bit of truth in everything everyone says. Which really doesn't say all that much - when baby books measure 2" in depth on average, they say enough shit that some of it is bound to stick.

4. "Get back together with your spouse." Every website I've seen touts some level of sexual intimacy like it's the duty of the woman ripped apart to mend all things back together. Ahem, lack of sleep? Where's that hired help already? Somehow, I think this idea stems from the same people who invented pantyhose.

3. "X, Y, and Z is a side effect of pregnancy." I've already dropped 30 pounds since bearing Baby, and carpal tunnel still hasn't gone away. I think it may be a side effect, period, bearing baby or not. Mood swings, I was even keeled during the whole pregnancy, and now, I have mood swings enough to bring the Titanic up from the depths of the ocean. And I have cravings for food unlike anything I felt during pregnancy. I'm sure it stems from the fact that I haven't been getting enough rest, and my body is turning to food to help replenish its energy levels. But then, cold lasagna straight from the fridge is mighty tasty...

2. That gush of love for Baby? Yeah, it happens - during the day. At night, pacifier goes into her mouth faster than I can blink. And still, she's practicing her language skills through it.

1. "Motherhood is a whole new experience." Oh yeah! Understatement of the century! Nothing can prepare you for this, no amount of babysitting, reading, watching, learning. Nothing prepares you for the pang you feel when baby is crying, right in your ear, and it's your child - and you don't know what to do to help it feel better. Granted, if my mother were around, she might be able to help me learn a bit of how to do this parenting thing - but then, there is plenty my parents did that I'd like to undo, and they took full advantage of their hospital's nursery until I was 4 months old - so unfortunately, my surviving father also has no idea what it's like to raise a newborn. It's at times like this that I really do feel like I'm treading this path alone, plodding along, and really hoping I'm doing things well by Baby.

But then, Barbados does look really appealing.